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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
There is a fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I smoked weed once and realized spoons are just little bowls on sticks
Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody`s pants.
If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.
Trust me ...... I can`t believe I`m still here either.
You couldn`t handle me even if I came with instructions.
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand English – dogs
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?
Crazy is not a destination, it is a way of life.