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Did you know that if you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Some will forget, the others are simply women.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
I’m always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it´s still on the list.
Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like..."dude, shouldn`t you be hanging out with people your own age?"
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
Did you know: Your life expectancy decreases every time you ... PISS ME OFF
My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar.
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
I pretty much spend all day, every day, just looking forward to going back to sleep.