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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That`s yours now."
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? ;)
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
8 more days and I will finally get rid of last years Halloween candy.
That sounds fried. I`ll take it.
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Nobody expects you to post brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.