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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Tomorrow, history will be made. Months and months of advertisements and anticipation has led up to this historic day. America will see firsthand what is surely to be a historic event, and I am proud to say I will do my part and pick up my copy of Halo 4.
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
Adulthood is when 4:30am is early in the morning instead of late at night.
Ladies: Sometimes you just need to throw your arms up in the air and say, "Tie me up"
Did you know that doughnuts make your clothes shrink?
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
You`d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
There should be an observation deck at Walmart.
Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right.
Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there…
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
I just want you to be happy. And naked.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.