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"Love is all we need."-Said a wise man 40 years ago. He obviously has never had a computer
Just been informed that my spirit animal is Eeyore.
I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I`m not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
that strange moment when you get in the van and theres no candy...-Drew Balthaser
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
Hey whiny kids with iPhones: when I was your age, I played with a stick.
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
The older I get the earlier it gets late.
It`s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.
Bored? Simply send a text message to a random number saying..."I`m Pregnant!"
Ok a$$hole, just go around me. I`m already doing 30 over the limit, I`m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights