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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
I often worry that mankind is going to start World War III soley because we enjoy trilogies.
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice!
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
Be Poor... Its Cheaper :)
People who weigh their produce. What`s it like to have all the time in the world?