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Gas prices are a lot like girls: We just wish they would go down.
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Dear Mom, If all my friends jumped off a cliff, it`s because it was my idea. Sincerely, Your child is a leader, not a follower.
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
Life is different in Christian frats: “You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.” “Way to save it for marriage, bro.” *fist bump*
There`s always cake to celebrate happy moments, but I really think cake would do better during the bad times. Got fired? Have a cake.
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
I think I bought just enough fireworks to get my neighbor to move.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched....well, at least that`s what the restraining order says.
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?