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Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Iām a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
I`d rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries.
I think every Taco Bell value meal should be called a "Number 2".
Bathtub` spelled backwards is still `bathtub`. It`s not, but for a second there, you believed me.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones.
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.