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Some people are normal. What an awful, boring existence that must be.
Talked to someone in person today....what a pain in the a$$ that was!
I always say, "monring" instead of "good morning" because if it was a good morning, I`d still be in bed sleeping.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it`s strapped to the top of someone`s car.
I try to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Why do we even ask rhetorical questions?
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
You know what the trouble about real life is? There`s no danger music.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
There is nothing worse then trying to watch porn with a slow internet connection.
In your face with a can of mace, make you cry all over the place!!
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.