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If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I`d be screwed.
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
Are headaches the result of time spent with woman or is it purely a coincidence?
Does all this status updating make my ego look fat?
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
I hate it when you`re buying stuff off the Internet and the bank calls to check to see if your card has been stolen. Sure, it seems nice, but then you have to explain to lady on the phone that no, it was not stolen, you really are the one who bought a subscription to bustyblondes.com
Karma takes too long ..... I`d rather beat the sh%t out of you.
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good.
We Should Have A Way Of Telling People Their Breath Stinks Without Hurting Their Feelings. Like: "I`m bored, let`s go brush our teeth"
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...