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My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
Hello 911? Do you think i`m pretty?
I don`t have a smartphone I have a phone that shows potential but doesn`t apply itself
can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
Never make decisions when you are angry....or horny.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche.
Daylight Savings makes us lose an hour... It’s kind of like Facebook.
Singing in the shower is illegal according to this Ikea security guard.
Good for you, people that do things.
I declare today, “Hit that dumb person you’ve always wanted to punch in the face day.”
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I`ve failed to teach him our family`s place in the psychiatric process...
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
According to my roommate`s diary, I have boundary issues.