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Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
happy 3rd birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
If at first you don`t succeed ... run them over
I’m not shy, I’m just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
If there is anything I learned from 80`s movies it`s that I`m the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train or a truck so dont let it hit you.
Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
mermaids swim by twerking do you ever just think about that
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
"You suck! No, you suck!!" - Two women in a threesome
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.