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I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
Has anyone ever seen a gorilla in the mist? Some of the local drivers struggle to see my car in perfect daylight conditions, so I doubt that they`d spot a Gorilla in limited visibility!!!!!
Don`t rush me. I`m waiting for the last minute.
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
You make me have filthy thoughts, and for that I thank you...
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
I know the voices aren`t real but they have some great ideas.
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
I really need to clean the house, but I`m thinking it`d be a lot faster to burn it down and start from scratch...
Tequila... It`s not just for breakfast anymore...
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?
I have an inferiority complex,,,,,, but it isn`t a very good one.