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You can stop lifting weights now; it’s actually your personality that nobody likes.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
Netflix is raising rates again? Man, whoever`s password I`m using has got to be pissed!
500 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote?
Have you ever partied so hard that you feel like you may have damaged your DNA?
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
Q: What do you call apple-flavoured marijuana? A: iPot
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Have you guys seen the new documentary about white trash? I only saw the trailer.
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
I’m not the kind of person you ever put on speaker phone.
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
I`d like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those ba$tards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."