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I don`t hate anyone. I just don`t like people.
Why is it that the more annoying the tune, the harder it is to get it out of your head?
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
Life is so much funnier if you have a dirty mind
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
I can already tell this is going to be one of those days where I am not rich and famous.
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
If I`m not back in ten minutes ... then just wait longer.
I think we`ll be friends forever because we`re too lazy to find new friends.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
Chinese scientists have discovered the rare rock n roll panda it will only eat A wop bop a loo lop a wop Bamboo
Nothing like working out to make you feel like you deserve that burger and fries.
Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.