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Apparently getting injured while in the KISS Army doesn`t make you eligible for V.A. benefits.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
A person soon learns how little they know when a child begins to ask questions.
Studies show that people with high sex drives also tend to be very forgetful. Did I tell you guys that already?
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine
Didn`t leave home today. It was too peopley out there.
Everytime I see a person jogging I already know they have facebook, everyone on facebook works out.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor’s trash so you don’t get robbed.
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?