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I wish more people were fluent in silence.
I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
Don’t ask me again” is my favorite computer button that I wish was also a real life button.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviouly, I thought I was going to get away with it!
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
I`d get lost less frequently if GPS would say "no, your other left."
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.