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First fart at my new job.
My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
Talked to someone in person today....what a pain in the a$$ that was!
If it were easy then everyone would act like me.
Calm down! I`m not officially late until I actually get there.
I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case...
"Baby on Board" Oh really? Thanks for letting me know. I was about to ram into your car but now I won`t.
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
Is it annoying when people answer their own questions? Yes it is. Do I wish they would stop? Absolutely.
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
A morning text from me doesn`t mean "good morning". It means "I`m having very dirty thoughts about you right now".
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.
It`s spooky how many kids look like their owners.