Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
Remember if you ask me to put sun lotion on your back, I am definitely drawing something dirty while I`m back there.
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I`m stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.
Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.