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I don`t ever know where I`m at till I`m there
There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
is in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
Before Walmart, you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
As long as there is an open textbook in front of you, nobody will question what you are doing on your laptop.
Everyone has a purpose in life ... Perhaps mine is finding things to bitch about.
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
“You look tired” is just a polite way to tell someone they look like sh*t.
Chuck E Cheese: Because it`s never too early to introduce your children to gambling and bad nutrition.