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I`ll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I`m thinking to myself..."Umm...isn`t that what real life is for?"
How to make friends: 1. Tell people you have weed.
Here`s an idea...You go away and I`ll stop ignoring you.
What I do when I black out is none of my business.
Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
I think I really have an amazing butt. Every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say "what an ass.."
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
I wonder if there are any times on the clock that I have never seen.
"Does this dress make me look fat?"-- Now, what I SHOULD have said was, "No, dear! You are little black dress approved!" but what came out was, "When did your bum move to the front?"
Why can’t we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?