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I wouldn’t have to manage my anger, if people could learn to manage their stupidity.
I had to leave the bowling alley right in the middle of the game. I didn`t have time to spare.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.
It may look like I`m doing nothing, but I`m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ????? (69 Reviews) Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfriend.
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
I worry about the future because I know my friends that are teachers.
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
When you can no long help someone, I can - said the coroner.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
i only drink on days that end with y
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Calories? I think you mean delicious points!
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.