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My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Partying on my level requires years of training.
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
I know this will probably piss off a bunch of people I know, but what makes someone good at fishing?!? Seriously, all you did was wait longer.
Does anyone have the recipe for ice cubes? Asking for a friend.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
I couldn`t help but notice that I would like to have sex with you more frequently!
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I`m working harder than an ugly stripper!!
Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
You are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark.