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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
I don`t believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I’m pretty sure putting time limits on when breakfast is served is unconstitutional.
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I`m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
That awkward moment when a comment gets more “likes” than your status.
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A slutty girl is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches it but nobody wants it.
I found the key to happiness ... Stay away from a$$holes.
I`m going to spend Valentine`s day with my ex.... Box 360
There are 10 types of people in the world, Those that understand binary, and those who don`t.