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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone`s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game.
If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don`t want it.
Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.
If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you`re on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor’s trash so you don’t get robbed.
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
Those days where you don`t take anyone`s sh!t ... Yeah, today is one of those days.
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
I was the only one that cared when Jimmy cracked corn.