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"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
French people give me the crepes.
What`s it called when it`s 9:20am and you can`t wait for dinner? Oh, it`s called fat. Nevermind.
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
Australian kiss. It`s kind of like a French kiss, but down under.
Don`t let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.
This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like`s your idea"
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?
Sorry I can`t make it to your party tonight- I have to get up REALLY early tomorrow afternoon.
I really worried about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those TacoBell hot sauce packets.
Home is where the alcohol is.