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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
Women are always complaining that men are messy by leaving clothes layin around…..That’s because women take up all the closets
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
I hate when beggars rattle their cup full of coins at me. Yes i know! You have more money than me, you don`t have to rub it in..
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
You couldn`t handle me even if I came with instructions.
A few bad decisions really liven up a boring day.
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
Whenever somebody is murdered, the 1st person the police investigae is the spouse. That should tell you all you need to know about marriage.
The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…