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Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude. Church is boring.
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
I`ve never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.
The best part of winter coming is that all the bugs are rotting in hell where they belong.
I have no idea how I used to look for things in the dark before I had a cellphone.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I always thought I looked like romeo, until I washed the picture off my mirror...