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Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
I wish I budgeted with my whole paycheck as well as I do with the last fifty bucks of it.
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about sh!t ...?
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
Nice meeting you, but I forgot your name as soon as you said it...
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I put the b!tch in the kitchen.~ last thing I remember saying before I woke up in the hospital.
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
Expect nothing and you`ll be impressed every day.
Most people don`t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.