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Redneck word of the day : Asphalt. It`s your own dumb asphalt !!
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
When I was growing up the TV was my nanny.
To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
What kind of wine goes best with laundry?
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
Is it annoying when people answer their own questions? Yes it is. Do I wish they would stop? Absolutely.
I will never miss you, because I`m a really good shooter.
If you never jumped from sofa to sofa as a kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision.