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When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
You never know what you are missing,until you clean your room.
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
I`m running out of people I can tolerate!
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face. I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean & people think I’m joking.
I already want to take a nap tomorrow.
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
Your girl always on her knees. What she forgot she had feet?
It’s not you. It’s my ears. They just make you sound so boring and dull.
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can`t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
If you can`t handle me at my worst, then that sucks because that`s all there is to me.