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I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. At least for the pictures...
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.
You’re not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone.
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they`re looking for ideas.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone I will look at them shocked and just quietly whisper.... "You can see me?"
I just saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth ... She was down to the final four.
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
Farts are just ghosts of things that we ate. ;D
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
Seriousley.. The cuntestents in the 2013 speling beee contast hafe too now no the meening of the werd thay hafe been axed too spell. I coud rock that contast so eesy :))))) eg. The meening of "Easy". Anser: a kids oven