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Sometimes, I use big words I don`t always fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I`m pretty sure they`d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you`re blowing out of proportion.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
Next time a skinny bitch calls herself fat… I’m gonna agree with her.
If at first you don`t succeed ... run them over
Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..
I`ll be drinking tell I see Leprechauns tonight.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Anyone else has a plastic bag at home full of plastic bags?
When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you`ve proven that you are not an idiot.
I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.
I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.