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Tomorrow is International "Cook a Steak and Then Throw It to a Seagull" Day. Get involved. Don`t question it.
Political debates are great if you want to watch idiots talk to us like idiots to prove that the idiot next to them is a bigger idiot.
How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
If I could keep it short, my life would be so much simpler.
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I`m confused about how many at night?
I feel like I`ve passed my "Best If Used By date."
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?
You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”