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A world without women would be a pain in the a$$.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone`s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
!that embarrasing moment when you fake a call then a real one comes...!lol.
Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won’t do as she is told
Drunk people are the only honest ones left.
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
I just keep telling myself you guys don`t have sex either.
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I`ve been so quiet.
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”