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Finally did it. 25 inflatable mattresses later and I’ve finally turned my apartment into a bounce castle.
I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don`t know whose side I`m on.
The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless that medicine is insulin.
Those teardrop tattoos mean you cried during the notebook, right?
Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
If the wicked witch of the west melts in water ... How did she bathe?
I’m in no shape to exercise.
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazines for the articles?
I could spend my day outside, but I`m sure there`s plenty of porn that needs to be rated.
I can keep a secret… It’s all the other people I tell it to who can’t.