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I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
A gentle reminder about Daylight Savings Time: If you thought last Monday sucked, this one will prove to be much, much worse.
So many idiots, so few nuclear warheads....
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I´m awesome..
That`s a lot of selfies for someone that claims to be emotionally stable
I`m tired of things costing money
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviouly, I thought I was going to get away with it!
According to my nipples, there is a 99% chance it`s cold as hell right now!
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
every woman iz beautuful n her unique way, smtimz it needs sm amount of alcohol to see with
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.