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Almost time for my nightly foursome......... Me, my bed, my pillow and my blanket! What the hell were YOU thinkin` you perv!!!!!!
If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones who need it?
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
I used to think i was good at multi-tasking. Turns out its just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
If steroids are illegal for athletes shouldn`t photoshop be illegal for models?
So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?
I wish I was Robinson Cruso. Coz, I can have `Friday` everyday :) TGIF guys..cheers ;)
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
In your face with a can of mace, make you cry all over the place!!
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.