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Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other, it`s given me another reason to stare.
Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
I`m not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.
My mom just sent me a friend request on Facebook! Finally I can use that "I`m not your friend I`m your mother" speech to my advantage.
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
Office Tip: In a pinch a booger and a small piece of copy paper is as good as a post it note.
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
My favorite beer is the 15th one.
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...
I sent off for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested it would be in my best interest that I just start over.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?