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Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you’ll get what you want.
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I`m totally flexible
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
You are not a "Food Blogger", you`re a "Fat a$$ with a laptop"
next time you`re at a movie point at the screen when a scene with extras are on and say to your buddy "look, there i am!" and see how many people look over at you in awe.
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
Redneck WORD OF THE DAY: WATER My girlfriend gets mad and I don`t even know water problem is!
It takes patience to listen.., it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???
My plans for GTA 5: Beat the crap outta people, Steal a cops gun, Jack a convertible, Rob a bank, Jump off a building, Go to GameStop, Buy GTA 5