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Once in a while you meet a person that makes you smile when you think about them. They`re trouble. Stay away from them.
Vegetables are a must on my diet. I am eating Carrot cake, Zucchini bread and Pumpkin pie.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
I`d rather be in a relationship where no one wears the pants.
You don`t look like 200 likes in person
Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?
Statistics show the number one cause of failed relationships is opening your mouth and letting words come out.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
There are 2 kinds of people I can’t stand: Nosy people, and people who won’t tell me what in the hell is going on.
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.