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It`s nice to know I`m wanted....even if it`s only by the Police!
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
Just quit my job so I can spend more quality time giving out candy crush extra lives.
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
If you ain`t laughin, you ain`t livin!
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
The most frustrating thing I`ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
My 5yr old learned how to whistle if anyone’s looking for a new 5yr old.
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
You think you have a tough job? I clean the windows on automatic doors.
My reaction to stepping in dog sh!t is identical to me logging onto Facebook