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Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn`t quite finished...
Went to the bookstore to pick up a "Where`s Waldo" book today, but couldn`t find any. Well played Waldo, well played...
The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out
I`m not fat, God gave me built in airbags because I`m so precious.
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
Cheers, to judging people who spell words wrong in their statuses.
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
Okay, If we get caught here’s the story…
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
Monday :`( Tuesday :-( Wednesday :- Thursday :-/ Friday :-| Saturday :-) Sunday B-)
My therapist doesn`t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
If you`ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you`ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.