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I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people so where my tolerance level is at.
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
You see I, I´ve raise a toast to all of us. Who are breakin´ our backs everyday. If wantin´ the good life is such a crime. Lord, then put me away, yeah, here´s to you
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
There`s no b, c, d, f, g, h, j, k, l, n, o, p, q, r, s, u, v, w, x, y, or z in team either.
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" ... He in fact did.
99% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I`m part of the other 5%.
I bet everyone in Gotham prisons really hates the guy that killed Bruce Wayne`s parents.
Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn`t make you a TV star.
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
So long pants! See you Monday!