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I was fighting with this gal over who is lazier. I let her win.
I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
How come "you`re a peach" is a complement but "you`re bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
make little things count. teach midgets math.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how in love you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
I am the type to fart in a crowded train and get just as upset as everyone else.
I don`t own a thesaurus, is `cock meat` a synonym for `fried chicken`?
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”