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I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
I just got the results of my IQ test. It came back negative.
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now I`m going to a different cafe.
If two cannibals fight, does that make it a food fight?
Here`s hoping the wind at your back doesn`t come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick`s Day!
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We`ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
I`d take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.
Don`t get into a relationship with someone unless they love you as much as Kim Kardashian loves Kim Kardashian.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, Iām part of the other 2%
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait