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Reasons to get out of bed: Food.
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
As long as there is an open textbook in front of you, nobody will question what you are doing on your laptop.
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
my stomach just growled and it sounded like it said... `Droid`....
Mister Rogers didn`t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.
just realised MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.
The point is... Is Imma hug you like a panda nd you`re gunna like it.!(: