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My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes... or until you check their browser history.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Facebook is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
You can call someone who makes prosthetics a professional body builder
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
If only mosquitoes sucked fat, instead of blood.
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those TacoBell hot sauce packets.
most teens are switching to twitter instead of facebook. noone wants to get on facebook and catch dad pocking mom... if you kno what I mean;)