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Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.
We Should Have A Way Of Telling People Their Breath Stinks Without Hurting Their Feelings. Like: "I`m bored, let`s go brush our teeth"
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
On a scale from 0 to insane I`m batman
A morning text from me doesn`t mean "good morning". It means "I`m having very dirty thoughts about you right now".
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.