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Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I am the bestest at the English language...
I’m a proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants.
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
Please don`t post that political joke you just came up with. . . it really wasn`t that funny to begin with. Thanks for understanding. -the rest of us
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner`s high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
Real friends show me their boobs
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
Admit it, you`ve answered Dora at least once in your life.
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.