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Is it just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like I’m choking it to death.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.
If I ignored you any harder, we`d be married.
My neighbor thinks I`m crazy and that I`ve been stalking her. well at least that`s what her diary says.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
As you get older your Christmas list gets shorter, because the things you want can`t be bought.
I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.
Do you ever just look at someone and think "Wow, let me take off your pants."