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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.
Checked myself for ticks ... but I didn`t hear anything.
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you`re nuts.
I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
Five little words that will win my heart, "I brought beer and pizza."
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
I Hope I can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?
The number of red lights you will hit while driving are directly proportional to how bad you have to pee.
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.
I`m at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage