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The other day someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I was confused... What is leftover wine?
Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
Started working on my taxes today and learned why the form is called 1040. For every $50 I make, I get $10 and the gov`t gets $40...
Condoms prevent minivans.
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
Living out of your car isn`t so bad if you keep telling yourself you`re "on tour"
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.