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3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
"The Ugly Duckling" has a great message. Everything in life will work itself out once you become physically attractive.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face. I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!
Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they`re stabbing it? No? How about now?
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
It`s kind of weird that beams of electricity strike down from the sky and we`re all just okay with it.
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I`m now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.